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New View You
Eight years ago, I purchased my 4th floor condo at a discount because the water view was obstructed by the head of a giant palm tree. It’s two feet off my balcony, rocking in the breeze that wafts off the bay. I was quite content until I visited my next door neighbor and got a look at his sweeping water view. Then I began to construct a seething hate machine for the tree.
I know what you’re thinking, so I’ll come right out with it. Yes, I plotted arboreal murder. When the hurricanes threatened a few years ago, I went to church and prayed for a gale to surgically lift the tree into the sky. My contempt poisoned my view of my view, and I peddled it. Visitors to my condo would walk in, and I’d drag them to the balcony and force them to be disappointed for me. I told them how the the tree was a breeder for giant palmetto bugs. To calm me, many said, “Why don’t you kill it?”
I won’t bore you with details of the efforts I made to have the condo association prune it, relocate it, and/or declare it a nuisance. I even went green with my wrangle: it’s an invasive palm tree, not native to Florida. It’s a vicious killer.
So here I am a mental health clinician, making my living helping people get out of the business of self-victimization; and I spend no leisure time on my lovely balcony because I’m at odds with a tree. Never mind that I made a clear choice about buying THAT particular view when I chose the condo.
Again I know what you’re thinking. What a horrible problem I have. A tree blocks my view of Tampa Bay from the balcony of my condo. Half the people on the planet don’t have windows or ceilings. I get that it’s a petty gripe. But there is clearly something deeper calling.
Recently, a defining event jolted me into near sanity about the matter. My friend David, who happens to be an arborist, was visiting. In the middle of one of my tree screeds he said, “Tony, you’ve been complaining about that tree for 8 years. You know, if you had started feeding it the day you moved in, it would have shot up to the 7th floor by now.”
David’s comment triggered an avalanche of remembrances about the ways I was taught to view obstacles when I was a child. It’s an express lane to misery, and goes like this: if something is in your way, it immediately becomes your enemy. You toil at a negative spin that supports your role as an unfortunate bystander, and you clench it like a dog with a bone. If people offer you brighter points of view, you reject them because a fresh view threatens your ennobled position. You are a victim who needs sympathy. I know… this sounds like Italian opera. Welcome to my family.
My personal avalanche opened a valuable discovery. I began investigating how I hold views in other parts of my life that could be shifted to serve me better and make me happier. What do I tell myself about being single? About my body? About my future? In order to find answers I’d have to commit an act of bravery: to summon the willingness to deliberately shift my view.
I decided to take the view of the tree as my teacher. When a new visitor walked on to my balcony and exclaimed, “What a beautiful view!” I bit my tongue and said, “Yeah, it gives me a lot of pleasure.” Later on, I asked him if he noticed the tree. He said “What tree?” The next day I told him about my learning curve. He told me what he saw: waving fronds that play with the wind, blue water as its backdrop on a canvas, the magnificent expanse of sky above. He even offered that the tree provides sound abatement for the noisy traffic below. The tree is part of a larger picture. I actually began to look with my two eyes instead of my habitual emotions. I began to let go of the bone.
We are constantly being fed views of the world, the state of society, the truth about this and that. The news, gossip, advertising, pundits. Concurrently, we are feeding ourselves stories about who we are, our own circumstances and surroundings, including the people we live with and even the ones we love.
It’s important to your happiness to stay in a process of discernment about your views and their consequences. Your view determines your moods and your choices. Change your view and change your life. Ask friends for advice and feedback. This is your life. Choose your view.
While I spent valuable time cemented in the position that the tree was in my way, actually feeding it would have helped it grow out of my way. Instead, I fed the view of obstruction and victimization. Out of habit.
I wonder. What other points of view can I grow past at this time in my life, actively change, ask advice for, or face the truth about?
One day this week my friend Roger and I sat on my balcony and meditated together. We used the tree as a focus. Eyes open, we breathed the air coming off the bay. We quieted ourselves watching the tree fronds dancing, and we let the rustling sound of its marriage to the wind transport us inward. We made a fundamental connection with the tree as living beings: it’s roots grabbing the earth, it’s play with the motions of wind, and it’s nurturance by the sun and the water that sustain it.
Invasive or not, the tree is part of my view; it’s part of my home. I get to choose what I see and feel; I get to choose what I feed, every time I step on to my balcony. It’s quite liberating.
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Anthony Quaglieri, Ph.D., is a licensed mental health counselor in Tampa, click here to visit his recently launched web site.
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I don’t think a palm tree has ever been so lucky. To be hated and plotted against, because it had ruined someone’s life/view; to then be the center of change-in-perspective that positively impacted a life. Imagine if everyone was able to make a similar perspective turn-about with something in their life. We would all be in a better frame of mind. As the said arborist in the article, I am guilty of plotting against said palm tree. It was entertaining to be on the opposite side of saving trees, knowing full well that Tony would never follow through. I actually had to get creative, none of the plots were viable and it not seem like man had destroyed it. Boy do I feel….not so great. But no harm no foul. Lesson learned and thanks Tony for sharing very eloquently your experience.
Thanks David! I love the view that the tree was lucky, and by continuing to be itself fully, it had an influence on a life. Talk about view shifting. THANKS.
While I know that we can change our view, I forget this at times and fall into the negative view trap. Thanks for sharing this. I need it to snap me back!
There are always at least three different points of view other than the one you are holding, Richard. It requires the release of creativity into the problem. Thanks for your comment. Tony
I love this and I have always made an effort to see good in everything when I can. I still have my own hangups about certain things, but try to keep things positive. As part of my tag line in many of my e-mails I always have ‘Make it a great day, every day’ and I do truly mean that. When we wake up we all have the choice to make the day how we want it. A good day is a choice we make.
Thank you Tony for the story
Dr. Q
You have illustrated for me how long it can take to see that one needs to change one’s view. And how it can be done no matter how long the old view has been harbored. More excellent advice disguised as storytelling!
This story is just so honest and human. I love how you came to this process, the choices made and the ultimate clarity that resulted. Reading this put me into a dialog with myself about what areas of my own life I might apply this “change your view, change your life” inquiry process. This is wonderfully empowering, Tony. What a gift you’ve shared. Thank you for being your unique you.
Thanks Quincy and Russell: it does take work, doesn’t it? “Looking on the brighter side” is not enough. We have to have the internal resources to do it, and we absolutely need support from others.
Um….I thought I was doing you a favor and came by in the middle of the night a few weeks ago and cut that tree down. (Apparently, it wasn’t THAT tree. Oops.)
Anyway, this is a terrific article with very wise insights. But be careful! That kind of enlightened perspective can change the world.
Thanks Tony. I needed to read this!
Your humor brings an ease to change, to opening to new perspectives that actually make life easier, more fun and help awaken my heart. Thanks.
Great Zen. Your story is an excellent teacher.
Thanks, everyone. Keep the comments coming, I’ll keep writing and exposing my neuroses to the world.
What a great article about perspective and how one views personal challenges. So often I find that the hurdles in life are not there to block us, but instead to teach us to jump higher and achieve greater feats. Everything happens for a reason and that includes blocked views and silly trees. Fantastic piece!
When I think about what is so difficult about changing my view, I inevitably end up having to face the cost of “letting go of the bone.” What will it mean for me to let go of the bone? Will I have to admit I was wrong, that someone else was right, that a long-held perspective no longer works for me, that I have to change something about, or in, my relationship(s), that I have to take responsibility, that I may never find another bone just like this one, that I’ll go hungry? Oh, dear Dr. Tony, don’t make me do any of that! The beauty in this story, for me, is that by letting go of the bone, you found an even bigger, better tasting buffet of treats. It is amazing what we find when we go looking beyond our current meal. Prime rib, anyone?
I really enjoyed reading this article. It’s amazing how we can change our perspective about something, reverse the negative into a postive, and learn from it. Thank you for sharing!
It feels good to recognize that we can change our negative thoughts/feelings by altering our view. More easily said than done, no doubt. However, your enlightening and entertaining story inspired me from the perspective of the silent, enduring, patient and noble tree. Looking at the situation from the trees perspective, do you believe that not reacting can, over time, be a more effective conduit to changing the view of the observer….or in this case, the victim?
Thanks for sharing, Tony-
I am so appreciating this conversation. Could it be that the tree knew something all along?
Good one Tony!! I loved it!
Love the simplicity of what Todd R. said. Love what EVERYBODY has said. Good write, good read. It can be hard to change one’s point of view on something, but it is possible, and sometimes the best thing for us.
Dear Tony I am glad you have liberated yourself from that whole Martha Stewart fixation with exterior decor. I think I had a similar issue, but it related to fixing men I dated….goodness gracious! As I redecorate my own home I too would like it to look picture perfect—-but I will settle for it just reflecting the peaceful serenity I have been feeling lately in my life:-) I think that tree is there to remind you how grounded and aware of yourself you are…bringing a bit of nature to your space and re-oxygenizing the air as a bonus.
Carl! You hit the nail on the head! There are so many opportunities to look at how we try to control the environment, including others, like the men or women we date. From yours and others comments, I’m getting how important it is to just KNOW that there is another view, even if you can’t come up with one in a moment’s instance.
David was right. A tree was never so lucky.
Tony, this article made me smile all over….it is so absolutely “Tony”….
and I gained some “wisdom reminders” from reading it…wouldn’t you think we would know better by now?…however, everytime I learn something “again” my knowing just gets stronger…..one of the things I am re-learning often in my “graceful ageing” is that there is something of benefit in everything—if I can only “see” it……….so keep up the good learning and sharing my dear, dear friend….and isn’t it about time for our annual lunch…
much love Mary Lenholt
I would love to see a picture of this palm. You should post a photo of it so we can see for ourselves. Being a neurotic type, I was wondering if you have a ladder to escape from when there is a fire or will you just jump on the palm and shimmmy down.
Johnny: you know, I’ve thought of that palm as an escape route! But since I’ve sent it so much bad karma, I’m not sure it would appreciate me jumping off my balcony to save my life. Who knows. It’s probably kinder than I am. The picture at the top of the page is the actual tree. Fluffy, isn’t it? Thanks for your comment, Johnny.