‘There’s No Place Like Homo’
Gay men often seem to be looking for new ways to get together. Why?
The obvious answer is to ‘meet someone.’ Well, that’s true if you are single and you are looking. But outside of that, what’s the draw? Now that we are out of the deep dark ages, we don’t have to wear green on Thursdays to signal each other. We can easily meet up for sex, dating, and camaraderie. So why must we insist on organizing outings and… adventures? What do we want from each other that we feel the world-at-large can’t give us?
I plan to let you ponder that one for yourself (or even better, leave a comment about it here) while I go off on what may seem like a tangent.
On a recent trip to New York, I overheard a conversation three young gay men were having in an adjoining booth in a Chelsea restaurant. They were talking about their social and dating lives, and their efforts to find hookups and other things to do. Their conversation was long and chatty, but I almost fell out of my booth when I heard one of them say, with great fervor, “Well I have a new policy. I don’t go north of 66th street and if I have to take the N, J, or Z train, I don’t bother.”
The gist of these boys’ conversation was that they are tired of the same old bars, they can’t find decent men in New York, and they are fed up with online cruising. Granted, these were only three handsome, available and apparently moneyed guys, and not an accurate representation of how gay men in NYC feel.
But this sounds very familiar. In Tampa-Bay speak, we are the guys who won’t go north of Kennedy, or the guys who think ‘crossing the bridge’ might result in jet lag. I hear myself in this story, and so do you.
What is our problem? Have we all been given the same script to whine out no matter where we live? How many of us have said if we just lived in New York, or Boston, or Seattle, or California, all our social needs would be satisfied and we’d find the Holy Grail of men and fun? Have I asked enough questions?
In light of my opening question, it’s time to look again at what we want from one another. As part of our emergence from the dark ages, we now get to look at shared values and be in a real dialogue about who we want to be to one another. Being gay alone is not a reason to get together. I don’t know about you, but I’ve met a lot of dull, boorish, drugged-out, and mean gay men. Just because we are men who love men doesn’t mean we have something to share or that we should want to.
We have more choices than ever about whom we want to affiliate with and share romantic, sexual, political, and social interests. But we sometimes act as if we are condemned to a small box of possibilities. Perhaps we still suffer from the habitual beliefs that come from the dark ages, i.e. there is no one just like me, or worse, there is no one other than me, there is no place to go, I can’t be satisfied unless things are just right, and happiness is a matter of luck.
Growing up feeling odd and alone sets us into a perpetual wanderlust, looking for the ‘family’ or the environment that will ultimately satisfy. When in truth, satisfaction comes with knowing what you want, meditating on your values, being still long enough to discern a path, setting an intention, forging solid friendships, harvesting gratitude, and big balls in the form of several supreme acts of will.
Outings & Adventures provides us with new opportunities to connect with one another around these shared values: fun, friendship, fitness, adventure, education, service, relaxation, and community building. In addition, we still have many other gay institutions through which we connect to these and other values: spirituality, political action, and social services.
The richness we derive from being in community does not come from our location on the map; it’s about where we place ourselves physically and emotionally, and how we place ourselves in relation to each other.
You may be spending lots of time in cyberspace or other virtual realities hoping for various kinds of connection that really come from deep within you. Be careful. You could be cementing the belief in your head that contentment comes only from your surroundings, and if you only lived in a real city, you’d be better off. Getting out and taking the action to prove those beliefs untrue takes manly guts.
You don’t even have to leave the computer to get gutsy. You can sign up for an event right here right now.
Dr. Anthony Quaglieri is a psychotherapist and body/mind educator in private practice in Tampa.
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Boy, Tony, once again you see right to the center of things. Your comment about focusing on the values and desires that we have within us — rather than the shallow hope that our environment (or possessions, or A-list friends) will somehow make us happy — is really on point.
In the meantime, it is nice to share company, adventures and fun with like-minded people — especially those who are willing to relax and to share, and not just think “What’s in this for me?”
Great message! We can live happier lives by stepping off the path that leads to nowhere and trying out some new paths. Thanks for a really good article, Tony.
Wow, I cant believe I finally found intelligent conversation, outdoor adventure, like minded people interested in things outside the clubs, sex and drugs scene that is so highly promoted within our community. I have been looking for this for a LONG LONG LONG TIME. I have thought that way Tony for as long as I can remember. Happiness comes from within, making a connection requires more than “hooking up” and long term happyness is relative to finding internal contentment with yourself. I like doing different things and I’m looking for people who share simular desires. I think our community has finally moved beyond the basic need to “hook up” and is ready to explore who we truely are. This site and other voices are speaking up, drawing us out of the shadows, from the counter culture scene, to finally see ourselves in the Sunlight for who we are, no longer looking at one another as just sex objects for validation of self worth but as members of a true community, comming together to heal and support one another. I know it sounds idealistic, but i believe this is what’s happening…my gay brothers and sisters…we are finally growing up as a community…and I love it!
Thanks to all responders and thanks to Lance for your thoughtful comments. “Internal contentment” is a topic I could write a whole article about. One of my favorite things to say to my clients is “who teaches us this?” when I am trying to help somone not feel stupid for not knowing. The traditions of teaching one another how to go inward an reflect was commandeered by religion a long time ago. I call it thught/soul kidnapping. We are only allowed to discern our desires as the church would permit, lest we go astray from the collection plate. But the notion of teaching each other how to listen inward, and helping each other by giving loving feedback – or leading by example — or assisting someone in finding his own path – these are skills that are hard to find teachers who teach them well. As gay men, the untaught, we couldn’t know how to teach each other things we don’t know to do ourselves because we were never taught. Gladly, as you say, we are breaking out of hiding. But ironically, and wonderfully, it is the young people who are becoming mentors for the older ones who still flinch inside or want to hide. It’s a beautiful thing.